Sometimes I think it would save me stupendous amounts of time if the ridiculous Christmas movies I watch on Netflix came with spoiler alerts so that I could decide before hand whether or not I even want to take time out of my day to watch. The characters could file through and give a quick description of how they plan to test my gag reflexes; I could then make informed decisions. Great idea, right? It would go something like this:
Crotchety Old Man: “I am going to slip into a coma halfway through the movie and refuse to wake up until the other characters miraculously raise 1.2 million dollars to restore a decrepit ski lodge/snow globe factory/amusement park from the days of my youth. Then miraculously I will appear 30 years younger, be able to dance a jig, and have the spirit of Christmas!”
(Never trust an old person in a crappy Christmas movie…their only motive is to make you cry so the movie gets better ratings)
Douchebag Boyfriend: “I will be a total weasel and drive my perfect girlfriend into the arms of that much larger man in the rugged knit sweater, who smells of campfires and fresh pine air.”
(Gag reflex activated)
Larger Man in Rugged Knit Sweater: “I don’t say much in the movie because I am “complex” and the main character, a neurotic woman trying to “find herself” has to ultimately realize that I am the only thing she needs.”
(Barf)
Loud Woman in Ugly Christmas Sweater that Lights Up: “I am the Spirit of Holiday Mothers Everywhere, representing the symbol of insanity that overtakes all mother figures and ultimately drives their children into the streets searching for the nearest bar. You got a problem with that? Well too bad! I just slaved over the hot stove all day and no one helped me make the stuffing and cranberry sauce, and where was my husband to help with the turkey? He’s sitting on the couch with his hand in his pants, drool on his chin, staring at the football game on TV….nag nag nag…”
(No Mommy No!)
Adorable Little Girl or Boy: “I am either super cute and sweet or super evil. It could go either way. I’m a child. You never know.”
(Never trust a child in a movie…)
Sara McLachlan: “Hi! I’m acclaimed singer Sara McLachlan. I will be singing in the background of this movie to make you feel really guilty that you did not call your mother this week. She probably could have used your help preparing the dinner… You’re welcome!”
(You’ll watch one of these, and then you will see…and then you will call Mom in tears when the old man starts dancing again…at the lodge…after his family fixed it up for him)
After watching possibly the poorest planned, executed and acted movies ever today, I am going back to my First String for the Christmas Season: Dr. Who Christmas Specials. Always time well spent. “Fantastic, Allons-y and Geronimo!”
A Pioneer's Journey 