humorous pen pal letters | A Pioneer's Journey

Because you know you want more, I gathered up the rest of my letters from an Air Force friend who used the name ‘Michael Dudikoff‘ on the return address. His letters, always humorous, often a bit flirtatious, were motivating reminders that I had friends who cared in all corners of the world.

Undated

Dear G,

I’m sitting here in my office on a Friday morning only a hop, skip and a jump from your tent. Think about it. I’m on the same continent as you! Never thought about it that way, huh?! You know, it’s funny. I have zero interest in Asia or its history, but here I am in Korea. Maybe it was intended for me to be here and find out that the Orient is nothing I expected…

Currently, I’m working semi-hard on this pet project that a General wants done. He went to the commissary one day to get a bottle of Jack Daniels and they were cleaned out. So now I am researching how our ration control system works and our vulnerabilities to black marketing. It’s kind of interesting actually, and I don’t mind being tasked with it. I’m also heading up our unit’s PT plan and execution. [The] Air Force is going back to the good old 1.5 mile run, push ups, pull ups, instead of that weak ass bike… For me it’s no biggy because that’s what I’ve been doing for the last four years at the Academy. For others, well, let’s hope they get to the gym soon.

Going to work every day isn’t bad. Since we’re agents, [the] uniform is usually pants and a polo shirt. If I want, I can wear BDUs but most days I choose the former. I usually work 0730 to 1630, but there are times when a case needs to be done immediately (sexual assault, suspicious activity, porn, counterintelligence, etc.). I usually tag along. I’m enjoying my time in Limbo because I get to watch but don’t have to do any of the typing and other administration. Hopefully, I’ll qualify on the Uzi pretty soon. Yeah Baby! I’m not a gun nut but it definitely beats sitting in the office.

Well, it’s Memorial Day Weekend. I don’t have anything going on, but we’ll see what comes up. Write whenever you get the chance. Let me know what you are currently up to. Hope you are well.

24 September @ Night

Dear G,

I haven’t written all that much in the last week. Sorry about that. I’m trying to wrap things up these last few weeks before I go TDY to the States. There’s a whole bunch of stuff that seems to be caving in on me. AHHH! Oh well, I’m looking forward to training…just hope I don’t screw it up and let down those that hired [me]. I’ll be working my ass off for sure.

My sponsor and friend who showed me the ropes and helped me on this first assignment left… That leaves me as the Officer and Second in Command. Before, I was just the “Other Lieutenant” but now it’s kicked in that I am the LT. Not that anyone relies on my decisions, but it’s still something to consider. I have a lot of respect for the enlisted and especially those who have been sticking with it for longer than anyone looking for the “easy life”…

Well, I’m going to make this letter short. I’ll write you soon. Take care.

Taking a stroll at the Air Force Academy.

Friday, 17 October

Dear G,

I know it’s been a while since I last wrote. I hope you still remember who I am. Well, I’m not longer in Korea (at least for a little bit). I’m currently in training for my job, and believe me, it’s not a vacation [on] TDY. The training is intense, six days a week, and the days are busy with academics, field training, and PT. It kind of reminds me of a watered down version of the Air Force Academy! It’s good though, and I’m really trying to take it for what it’s worth…that was the most ambiguous statement. What I meant was to learn instead of cram and flush.

I also feel like I’m in the best shape of my life. I’m eating right, exercising, and my drive and motivation is going strong. Damn, I sound like a Jenny Craig commercial. I’ll try to trim the hokey, “Golly, Gosh” statements! What else? Umm, still looking around in this sometimes big, sometimes small fish bowl for the single ladies…Not that I discriminate against the taken girls, but it makes meeting the parents awkward (wink). Maybe I’m too picky, or maybe I’m just not aggressive enough…What do you think? I’ll try to put it on my things to do. How are you doing? I haven’t received anything from you…I hope you are well and that you’re still going strong. Be safe.

I pulled this final note out of chronological sequence because I felt it would wrap the series of letters up nicely. I lost contact with my friend but sincerely hope that he did ultimately find the right girl, excel in the Air Force, and continue to travel the world.

16 September 2003 @ 10:10 P.M.

DON’T STRESS OUT!

Dear G,

I’m sorry I haven’t written in awhile. I think I wrote five days ago, but hopefully I’ll get back on track. You know what it is? I got my TV/DVD to work again and it threw my multimedia abstinence off. Damn that flickering device! It does all the thinking for you!

I watch AFN (Armed Forces Network) and they have these annoying informative ads like “Don’t shake the vending machine…it’ll fall on you!” Or “Did you know D.B. Cooper was the only successful skyjacker in history?” Anyway, a commercial came on today while I was setting my new Ironman Timex watch (I was excited…I like gadgets). It depicted a man running around in the brain flipping levers and switching switches. The ad was about how stress can affect your mood, memory, and health. It came to me in one simple answer: stress is a psychological mirage that does not naturally come with new issues and mental workloads. So…just remove it from situations that arise because it’s not real. That simple! Of course, then I came to my senses and decided it was moronic and we’re not robots, but wouldn’t it be nice to not worry about things we cannot control or are so silly we don’t really need the stress? That would give us the ability to accomplish goals or just get on with life, huh?

I don’t know, I thought I had a good solution there for a split second. Just don’t stress out. Well, besides the fact that I wish you were here partying in Korea instead of there, I had a solid weekend. Movies, relaxing, walking and shopping around. I don’t really shop, I execute a goal of getting a specific thing and then dining out… Other than that, I’ve just been working, or trying to. I’m kind of tired of showing up and talking with co-workers. Maybe I’m in a lull right now. I’m going to tackle tomorrow like it’s my first day though. Work at something new, smile, and kick some ass. Damn, I sound like Richard Simmons! Holy crap, I AM Richard Simmons!

I try to imagine what you’re up to, what your place looks like, and where you sleep (in a non-creepy way). I wonder if my first letter has reached you by now, if you are reading with pain or joy. Mostly though, I imagine you’re happy, healthy, and laughing like you did in Colorado Springs. I hope so…

Letters From Michael Dudikoff (Part 1) (bloggingpioneer.com)
Daughter’s heartfelt letter about soldier mom sparks surprise (huffingtonpost.com)
A Picture of Life Through Letters (bloggingpioneer.com)

Anyone else get fanmail from Michael Dudikoff during their deployment? I didn’t think so. Well, actually it wasn’t really him writing to me. It was a friend from the Air Force sending hilarious letters using the (dare I say it?) legendary actor’s name on the return address. Why? Because it made them funnier.

19 July 2003

Dear G,

I just got back from a month and a half in Europe, Israel, and various parts of the U.S. I was happy to come back home and see 2 letters… I thought about you every time I saw a flight going to Baghdad or Kuwait. I flew Space-A on military ‘hopovers’ to Europe and back. I hope this letter finds you in good spirits, and that you haven’t given up on me — ha! Well, graduation went well and I got commissioned and all that good stuff. I really enjoyed hanging out with you. I don’t know why, but I felt really comfortable talking to you. I only wish I could have met up with you before you left. Oh well, I’m sure we’ll meet again.

(I wonder if Michael Dudikoff is flirting a tiny bit?)

I went to islands in Greece (Crete and Ios), Israel, Cambridge in the UK, and Prague. I finally went home after three weeks, to Colorado Springs for a wedding. It was quite lavish…They do well enough to afford it, and my buddy getting married had a great time with his newly. After about 30 days had gone by (I had 60 days of leave!) a friend convinced me to spend the 4th of July in D.C. with him. We watched the fireworks between the Washington Monument and the Capital while lying out on the grass. After that we took off for Spain to run with the bulls. We landed at Rota, Spain…then a 14 hour ride to Pamplona where the Running of the Bulls was happening. But we were so tired by then…we decided to chalk it up and just hang out in the South of Spain. We went to Seville and [back to] Rota too. Since I was on the road for more than a month I decided to head back…you ever feel like just chilling? Yeah, I thought so.

Now I’m here in Santa Maria, California and by the time you get this I will be on my way to Osan Air Base, Repulic of Korea. Sad, eh? I don’t think I can get much sympathy from a girl in Baghdad…I really do worry about you being there. I heard morale is really low. Is it? Anyway, getting back to better things…How is your son doing? Who is he hanging out with while Mommy’s gone? What’s the most interesting thing you’ve seen? Do you have e-mail yet? I hope you are well and that you remember who I am. Listen, I will write you often and maybe when you’re having a bad day my letter will arrive and cheer you up…Be careful and Godspeed home. May the sun always shine on your back and the sand stay out of your underwear!

Undated

Dear G,

It’s great to hear from you! Well I can’t help but think about you and your health as the media provides daily news about the ongoing issues in Iraq. However, I’m also a strong believer that uncomfortable, challenging situations help us grow and develop as human beings. In that sense, I envy you. I’m proud to know someone like you, who is over there doing your thing, and always strapping on the U.S. flag every time you go outside.

(Kinda putting me on a pedestal there, Buddy. I may have to strap on a parachute to get back down.)

Korea is very interesting. Everyone here keeps telling me that by this time next year when I supposedly leave, I will have learned more than I could’ve in a 2 or 3 year tour in CONUS. I’ve been here for a month now and I don’t miss the States at all! However, I will be going back in October for Agent Training before I return to Osan…The weather here varies between hot and humid and rainy. Drivers are complete maniacs on the road. Seriously! I wonder if they realize that red means stop…Free time after work is an unusual feeling…I have more free time now to pursue my hobbies, goals, and education.

Where did you say you lived? I remember South Dakota, but is that where you grew up or where you live now? I hope your little boy is doing well. He’s probably quite the little handyman with your father showing him the ropes. How long do you have until you go home? You should move to Europe when you return. You know, live the Euro Trash lifestyle. That’s hopefully where I’ll go sooner than later. Germany or Italy or England (to study at Cambridge!). I’ll do my best to write frequently and stay in touch. After all, it’s the least I can do…Take care and say hi to your girlfriends for me!

P.S. I have handwriting like a 4th Grader, so sue me!

Giving the flight simulator a spin at the U.S. Air Force Academy.

Wednesday, 3 September 2003 @ 1:00 P.M.

Dear G,

Everyday without your presence is like a day without the welcoming of the beautiful serene sunrise…I’ve always wanted to write that in a letter to someone deployed on the line! I don’t know what line you’re on but you get the drift. Did you like that opening sentence? I figured I’d mix it up a little with some romance. In all seriousness though, I really do wish that we’ll see each other someday. I felt you were genuine, and that’s a quality that is rare.

(Hmmm…if my husband reads this post he is going to kick Michael Dudikoff’s ass for putting the moves on me via air mail ten years ago! Well maybe not…)

I’m wrapping up a four day weekend (Labor Day)…I go back to the States in October. I really don’t miss [the U.S.] that much but I look forward to stepping on U.S. soil…I just got off the phone with my parents (that’s why the first line of this paragraph is darker; I was outlining the words while talking to them). Anyway, it’s their 28th anniversary and they were both on the phone. So Mom says “Yeah, it’s been 28 years and 3 days and it’s HELL!” I started laughing uncontrollably and they were laughing too. It’s the kind of humor that can only come from being married that long. I hope I can have a marriage that good, honest, and loving when I tie the knot. I think my first step should be to find a girl. What do you think?

(I think you are adorable.)

I’m looking at my letter thus far and realizing it looks like a freight train hit it. Scratches everywhere; I think your son can write better than me! Anyway, I know you’re probably very busy. Just try to take some deep breaths, look up at the sky or moon, and appreciate your family, friends, and good health (if you’re not catching a cold). It’s not everyday you’re in Iraq, right! Feel better? Be safe and take care.

Yours Truly

P.S. Write down the date and time you send your letter so I know how long it takes from Baghdad to Osan AB, Korea.

P.P.S. I’m a geek.

Friday, 5 September 2003 @ 1200 hours

Dear G,

How’s Iraq nowadays? Is it cooling off? It [has been] raining off and on now for the last week of August and into September. I enjoy the sun if I’m wearing a shirt and shorts, but I prefer the cloudy skies otherwise. If I’m in a suit, I don’t like the sun beating down…guess I’m just more of a temperate climate type of guy…I’ll have to send you a picture sometime. I keep forgetting to take my camera with me when I go out. I tried contacting Van before I left but he never returned my call. Oh well, it was good to see that kid before I left. He’s only become more ‘Texan’ since I last saw him.

(Good one. He’s only become more ‘South Dakotan’ since I married him!)

I think about the Academy days and sometimes I get…I guess I’d say nostalgic. I don’t miss the actual BS we put up with but I think “Man, those days are gone. That step is over in my life. I can never get that back.” The trivial conversations with my classmates after Taps, the smell of morning dew, the serenity of walking to the cafeteria as another suns sets over Colorado. This is what comes to mind.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m excited about pursuing my next goals and challenges. It’s great. Perhaps it’s the scariness of age and life and how quickly we can move through it and not notice. That’s what one of my goals after graduation was: no more putting life on hold until next week, next month, next year. Now I try to enjoy every day. Key word is “TRY”. Some days I wish I could just skip. I speak to people who are between 26 and 30 years old and they mention their age as “old”. I don’t want to be like that. I hope I don’t embrace that mentality! If I am still clubbing at 30, trying to get with 21 year olds I’ll be a little concerned…

(I hope you are not doing this now. Cradle robber.)

Moving on to you. What are your thoughts on this matter? Do you agree, or think my thoughts are askew? It’s always great to hear from someone wiser and more mature than me. Do you have any days off there? What is your tent like? Do you have enough room to have privacy? Well I hope to continue writing you without interruption. I know mail is always cool to get from a friend, especially one as disturbingly handsome as me (wink). I make myself laugh! Yeah, I’m a dork. Have you guys had any USO celebrity visitors there? I’m betting Michael Dudikoff (Star of American Ninja 1, 2 & 4) will be there soon, huh? That would be sooooo awesome! All right, I hope this letter reaches you in good health. Thinking of you.

P.S. I wasn’t joking about Michael Dudikoff!

P.P.S. No, seriously. I will have Michael’s children one day!

P.P.P.S. Stop laughing…Be safe please.

(Oh…so that is where the Michael Dudikoff joke came from…Now it makes sense.)