I actually wished that something rather inconvenient and slightly bad might happen to me this morning so that I wouldn’t  have to go to work.  Maybe a fender bender — no injuries — so I could call the school office and say: “Hey, I am being towed to the Ford dealership, so I won’t be in today…yeah, minor fender bender, but I have to fill out some paperwork about the accident so that will probably take a couple of hours…better get a sub for me.”  It wasn’t a great morning.

I am a ridiculously optimistic person (hard to tell sometimes when my posts are written in sarcasm mode) and I have a hard time believing that Bad Karma applies to me.  However, I do believe in Stupid Karma.  It happens to me all the time.  For example, the reason my morning was so rough: let’s just say that if you go on a gluten free diet, you absolutely MUST consume massive amounts of fresh fruits and vegetables EVERY day.  You CANNOT switch to an ‘all Mexican food all the time’ lifestyle.  I know it sounds like a rational plan, but it backfired on me this morning.  I should know better, I did the research when I went gluten free.  But this morning I found myself looking back on several weeks of bad diet decisions and saying “Oh, hello Stupid Karma!  Haven’t seen you in a while!”

My life has been brimming with Stupid Karma.  For example, last September my husband and sister insisted that a large mole on my back was definitely “doing something suspicious” so I went to the dermatologist to have it checked.  I couldn’t see it and didn’t know if it had been changing size, changing color, changing my Facebook status updates behind my back…I mean, it was on my back so anything it did was done literally behind my back.  Anyway, the dermatologist decided to remove it and send it in for a biopsy.  The damn thing turned out to be benign, but I ended up with a nasty little Staph infection that left me very ill and wishing I had just left the mole alone in the first place.

Or how about this for Stupid Karma: I have a husband who doesn’t seem to fart nearly as much as me (not fair!) but recently he has begun to snore so loudly that I’m sure the neighbors can hear him.  I would really prefer it if the circumstances were the other way around (that would be a farty husband who doesn’t snore).  If my husband were only gassy, then at least we would both be getting sleep and the funny smells around the house might garner equal blame.

Quite possibly the scariest example of Stupid Karma, and I have to say, Mother Nature’s joke on Humanity, has to be children.  Children are walking germ factories designed to slowly kill adults using brilliant biological warfare.  They are the only natural predator of adults known to use terrifying tactics such as whining, asking the same asinine questions over and over again, pooping themselves for no apparent reason, and unconditionally loving the one cartoon character that their parents completely loathe.  As diabolical as they are adorable, children employ Stupid Karma in ways that adults cannot even comprehend, and we are totally helpless to it.  That is why, when our children grow up, find mates, and have children of their own, we just sit back and laugh when the Karma comes back around.  Boy will I be laughing…

— G